July 10, 2008
A recent “Washington Post” survey says that 84% of Americans feel their country “has gotten pretty seriously off on the wrong track.” The most shocking aspect of this number, of course, is that it means 16% of the respondents actually believe things aren’t so bad!
How could this possibly, possibly be? Did the Post make it clear that they were talking about America, as opposed to some country that, you know, isn’t America? By my estimate, the last positive thing to happen in the U.S. was the Giants beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Outside of that, I’m stumped.
So I called a couple of my contacts at the Post, and had them fax me the complete results, just to see exactly who they were interviewing. Here’s a typical positive response:
Name: Bob
Occupation: Paramecium
Location: pond scum
1. Do you feel America is “headed in the right direction” or has it “gotten pretty seriously off on the wrong track?"
”Headed in the right direction.” I am up to my neck in scum.
2. Do you feel the rising price of gasoline is affecting your way of life?
Oh, hell no. I don’t even have a car. There’s a stiff, stretchy membrane surrounding my body, and I got little hairs called “cilia” covering it. So when I need to go somewhere, I just beat the cilia backward, and I sort of spiral through the water. Me and my buddies were playing cards a couple nights ago, and we were having a laugh about this whole oil thing.
3. Do you feel you are spending more at the grocery store now than you were a year ago?
What grocery store? I eat bacteria, algae, and yeasts. If my stomach grumbles, all I have to do is use the cilia to sweep some food into my mouth after it falls into the oral groove. Then it creates a food vacuole, and I digest it with some enzymes. I can't remember the last time I even bought a nectarine.
4. Do you feel safer while Americans are fighting a war in Iraq?
I’ve never even thought about it. Everything’s fine here in the pond. Besides, if I need to protect myself, I can just discharge a tricocyst.
5. Are you concerned or unconcerned about the rising rate of home foreclosures?
Unconcerned. When was the last time you saw a single-celled organism take out a mortgage on a charming fixer-upper?
6. Do you feel President Bush and Vice President Cheney are doing a good job for the country, or a bad job?
Oh, those guys are a couple of pricks. They should be in jail.
Paul Tatara
RSS Feed.jpg "Paramecium (shrunk).jpg")
RSS Feed