Dec. 10, 2009

It’s not over yet, America.

Shocking revelations about Tiger Woods’ clandestine bedroom hijinks continue unabated, with yet another in his increasingly long line of mistresses being revealed to the popular celebrity gossip site, readthisshit.com. Multiple Read This Shit sources have corroborated a story that, for roughly three weeks in May of 2007, Woods carried on a torrid affair with a giant talking breast named Melanie Daniels.

Daniels, of Scottsdale, AZ, reportedly met Woods at a Hooters function in Glendale, where the world-famous golfer was busy promoting his self-interest. Although Daniels was a Tiger fan at the time, and thus knew that he was a married man with two small children, friends of the breast say their mutual attraction was so intense she wouldn’t have been able to keep her hands off him, if, in fact, she had any hands.

Daniels could not be reached for comment, but Wall of Paul has acquired this exclusive photo of her, which was taken during a weekend hiking trip with her parents in 2008:

“There was instant heat between (Woods and Daniels),” says the source. “Melanie was in the parking lot, since she couldn’t fit through the door of the Hooters, and she could see Tiger staring at her from a window. He noticed her, let’s put it that way.” Tiger later approached the massive mammary and struck up a conversation. “He told her she had a beautiful areola, but that wasn’t the first time she’d heard that one! Within a few minutes, though, she could tell that he really admired her areola, and wasn’t just saying it because, you know, she’s an unbelievably huge tit and he has a penis.”

Just days after their initial meeting, Woods allegedly flew Daniels on an Army cargo plane to Pebble Beach, where they shared several intimate evenings together. Before flying his new paramour back to Arizona, Woods bought her “a custom-made nipple ring that looked sort of like a brass door knocker. She wore it for months, and always referenced Tiger when people mentioned it.”

Daniels, who is currently employed as a cocktail waitress but was once a sales representative for Hillcrest Dairy Products, is well-liked by her friends and associates. “She’s a wonderful girl, and I really hate to see her drawn into all of this,” the source says. “She’s fun to be around and has a great sense of humor. No matter what the situation, she always seems to say or do something that draws a few titters. Tiger just happened to be one of them.”

Paul Tatara