"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free our minds." - Bob Marley
The Windmills Of My Mind

One from the Heart

May 7, 2010

70s tribe Logo

Ah, it seems like old times in Cleveland again.

My friend and loyal reader, Jody Whipp (hello also to Deanna), alerted me to this going-viral video of Indians announcer Bruce Drennan, who finally lost it, on TV, after watching the Tribe nestle into last place in the American League Central. The Indians now sport a 10-17 record, and appear to be in a bit of a free-fall…if it’s possible to be in only a bit of a plunge to one’s own death. We’re worse than the fucking Royals, for heaven’s sake, and the Royals still have those idiotic waterfalls in the outfield.

But let Drennan, who's like the bastard child of Paul Lynde and John Goodman, have his say.


The era of the Indians giving at least a few teams pause when they play them is currently a thing of the past. And, believe me, I’ve been there before. Drennan sounds an awful lot like my Uncle Stanley, who, by his late forties, was so thoroughly fed up by the Browns and the Tribe he only wanted to know which players got booed when you attempted to tell him about the game you attended the night before.

Although I’ve sounded like this on occasion myself - a lot of ground has been covered between my first-ever Tribe-conscious season back in 1970 and the hull of a man who types before you today - I usually get more metaphysical than Drennan does, locating, in my anguish, the interconnectedness of all manner of things, from the astronomical rent you have to pay in Manhattan to the Indians stinking to high heaven yet again. Drennan keeps it between the lines, but the sheer grandeur of his despair, how he manages to be both unpretentious and operatic at the same time, is very entertaining.

This is a long-suffering Indians fan yelling, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” But he will. He’ll take it much more, because he has no choice, does he? Big wheel keep on turnin’, you know, and the Indians aren't going anywhere.

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Oh! Since I’ve noticed that far fewer Facebook readers are likely to click on my "new article" posts when they’re adorned with a sports photo or, worse yet, the logo of a Cleveland sports franchise, I’m including this picture of two hot girls from the cast of “Glee” hugging each other.

Hot Girls from Glee

That should reel ‘em in. Suckers.

Paul Tatara

The Windmills Of My Mind

Give It to Wilt! Give It to Wilt!

May 4, 2010

NBA Basketball

With the NBA playoffs in full swing now, and with my Lebron James-led Cavaliers losing by a cool 18 points to the Celtics last night, I think we should take a few moments to go properly googly-eyed at the single greatest basketball player who ever lived. Those of you who think classic black & white movies are inherently less significant because they’re were made before you were born, however, may find it hard to swallow that we won’t be discussing Michael Jordan, who regularly put a turbocharged ass-whuppin’ on his peers, but not to the phantasmagorical degree we’re talking about here.

No, we’re heading to the early 1960s, a miraculous time when professional basketball players could take only two steps while holding the ball and driving to the basket, simply because that’s what it says in the rulebook! And if they nailed one from half-court, let alone from a few steps above the key, it counted for exactly two points, just like any other shot.

Back in those days, nobody thought to trademark a silhouette of themselves dunking the ball behind their head so it could be plastered on overpriced merchandise. But one athlete dominated the sport to a degree that was very nearly equal to Babe Ruth’s unchallenged sovereignty over major league baseball in the 1920s. I’m talking about, of course, 7-foot 1-inch Wilton Norman “Wilt” Chamberlain— aka “Wilt the Stilt” and-or “The Big Dipper.”

Wilt Trotter

That’s Wilt in 1959, the year he played for, of all teams, the Harlem Globetrotters. At the time, the NBA wouldn’t accept a player straight out of college if he didn’t finish his last year of classes. So Chamberlain, who was sick of being triple-teamed and watching his opponents freeze the ball for minutes at a time in order to avoid confronting him during an actual play for the basket, left the University of Kansas to bide time with the Trotters. This allowed NBA players to breath easily for another season. But they knew he’d be coming sooner or later, and, when he did, the game was literally changed forever.

Drafted by his hometown Philadelphia Warriors, Chamberlain scored 43 points and pulled down 28 rebounds in his first-ever professional contest...although it wasn’t all that much of a contest. He would go on to average 37.6 points and 27 rebounds during the 1960 season, numbers that were (and remain) so utterly sick, new rules were eventually instituted to try to keep the Stilt at least a little bit in check. First, the lane was widened so he couldn’t hang out waiting for an easy dunk, and the concept of offensive goal tending was also introduced. My personal favorite, however, is that the league finally decreed Chamberlain could no longer leap from the line during foul shots and deposit the ball mere inches away from the basket!

I’ve never heard of another professional sports league that substantially altered the rules because one player was so overwhelmingly talented the others couldn’t compete. This wasn’t simply a matter of Chamberlain being bigger than everyone else, either, although even when little-boy-Paul was rooting for him in the early 1970s, he was still a more impressive physical specimen than virtually anyone else on the court. Chamberlain was graceful— he could move; there was nothing lumbering about the way he carried himself.

One of Chamberlain's least-heralded but still astonishing exploits is that he never fouled out of a game. Never! He wasn’t falling on top of people or hacking through them like they were so much shrubbery. He was a basketball player, an absolutely superb basketball player who happened to be as big as a fucking tree.

Wilt 5

It’s a professional sports truism that statistics don’t tell the whole story, but there’s no denying they can tell a considerable chunk of it. Chamberlain’s stats read like a tall tale told by somebody’s grandpa— Paul Bunyon in satin shorts. They’re so impressive they appear to be misprints when you compare them to those of the stars who followed in his wake. Forget, by the way, anyone who preceded him, even the Minneapolis Lakers’ formidable George Mikan, who was the league’s first genuine superstar. At that point, you might as well be juxtaposing a cruise missile and a pop gun.

Check these numbers out, all of which are records, and by a considerable distance:

* Chamberlain averaged 22.9 rebounds per game for his career, and 27.2 for a season. Shaquille O’Neal has averaged 11. The highest Shaq has ever managed in one season is 13.9. Chamberlain once pulled down 55 boards in a single game (and he landed 46 another time.) He also hauled in 1,000 or more rebounds in a season 13 times!

* Chamberlain averaged 50.4 points per game during his 1961-62 season with Philadelphia, which is just ridiculous. Jordan’s best was 37.1. Nowadays, 50 point games are rare enough that they can sometimes make the front page of the newspaper, let alone the sports section.

* And, of course, there’s Wilt’s signature achievement, a feat so staggering it truly doesn’t sound possible. On May 2, 1962, during a game in Hershey, PA, Chamberlain scored 100 points against the New York Knicks. By himself. This sounds like something you’d pretend to do against your friends in the back yard, rather than actually pulling it off in the NBA.

Wilt 100

The home crowd had seen Chamberlain score more than 60 on multiple occasions, so no one, including Chamberlain, was expecting 100 when he hit the locker room at halftime with 41 under his belt. But even the Knicks’ arm-hacking, quadruple team defense couldn’t stop him in the second half, and he hit the century mark on an alley-oop dunk with under a minute to go. He also nailed 28 of his 32 free throws, which would normally suffice as a good game all by itself.

To put this in further jaw-dropping perspective, Kobe Bryant scored 81 in a game back in 2006, and, even with the benefit of three-point range, he was treated like Christ on ESPN. But he was still 20 points away from passing Chamberlain. So, to paraphrase Edward G. Robinson, “Who’s your Messiah now?!”

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Nobody Else Like Wilt

By the time I became aware of Chamberlain’s existence and realized he was several steps removed from the rest of humanity when it came to all things basketball - I had the above poster, a life insurance company promotional giveaway, hanging on my bedroom wall when I was 8 years-old - he was playing for L.A. and had actually “filled out" to over 300 pounds of solid muscle.

But Chamberlain was forever haunted by the fact that his arch rival, Bill Russell, guided the Boston Celtics to an incredible 11 NBA championships while Wilt had managed only one with Phillie. If you want a musical equivalent, Russell was John Lennon to Chamberlain’s Bob Dylan. Both of them were massively gifted geniuses who spurred each other on to better work.

Russell, however, benefited from being a member of one of the most talent-filled, brilliantly operated organizations in sports history. He was surrounded by stars, and, every bit as importantly, lesser players who knew how to make the stars shine that much brighter. Chamberlain, more often than not, was left to do it by his lonesome, and he didn’t gain any brownie points by broadcasting an exceptionally well-earned degree of arrogance about his abilities; I imagine Neil Armstrong also occasionally brags about walking on the moon.

Wilt with Lakers

It was only when the Lakers set then-records for consecutive wins and the most wins in a season, then took the championship, that people began to grudgingly accept that Chamberlain was the best the game had ever seen. When it comes to winning rings, and solidifying your reputation, it certainly doesn’t hurt to have Jerry West giving you a hand at point guard.

The word “superstar” gets bandied about far too often in modern sports, but if anyone who’s played basketball in the past 50 years deserves the title, it’s Wilt Chamberlain. He wasn’t looking down on everybody just because he was tall. There was a pedestal permanently affixed to his sneakers.

Paul Tatara

The Windmills Of My Mind

Jack Tut Judges Mommy's Soaps

April 28, 2010

Jack Tut (shrunk)

“That one smells like rotten meat. The other smells like old burnt toast.”

Paul Tatara

The Windmills Of My Mind

And So Too Shall Their Children Feel the Pain

April 27, 2010

Elsa Tribe Flip

You’re looking at my daughter, Elsa (see my previous Wall of Paul post), who recently started insisting she wear her “Chief Wahoo” jacket and baseball cap whenever we leave the apartment. At this point, some of you may be wondering how the Cleveland Indians could possibly lose this year when they have fans as cute as Elsa promoting the cause. If you’re a real Tribe supporter like I am, though, you know the answer to that one is, “Oh, quite easily.”

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I was cute once, too, goddammit, and the Indians have not won the World Series since I’ve been alive, not to mention for several seasons preceding my sorry existence. Just to illustrate, the last time the Tribe walked away with the ring, this is what a TV set looked like.

1948 TV

That’s a 1948 Hallicrafter model 505, with a newfangled 7-inch electrostatic deflection tube. Only rich, forward-thinking people had such a contraption in 1948, which means the only Clevelanders who actually saw the Indians’ historic final out were sitting at the stadium when it happened. Harry Truman was the president of the United States that evening, and the first McDonalds franchise wouldn’t open for another four years. Zippers had not yet been invented.

Okay, I made up the zipper thing. But you get the picture. The Indians haven’t landed a world championship for 62 years. In fact, the closest they’ve come to winning one is losing one in the 11th inning of game seven, to a four year-old expansion team wearing pastel colors (That would be the Florida Marlins in 1997, for you misery buffs out there.) Just to be clear, the Indians won't be taking it this year, either, unless a particularly virulent strain of malaria decimates roughly 14 professional baseball teams.

One can only hope.

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Elsa Tribe 2

So, to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about Elsa’s sudden embrace of Wahoo-ism. It could well be that she simply digs the hat because her daddy wears one like it much of the time— I’m not altogether sure she even knows what baseball is, and she won’t be learning from this year’s Indians.

However, since my son, Jack, is above the fray and gives every impression that he’ll never care much about the Tribe one way or the other - and I’m perfectly cool with that - I wouldn’t mind if Elsa cared a little. I just wonder if I’m being a good parent when I encourage it. After all, it’s one thing to teach a child that winning isn’t everything, but quite another to suggest that winning is virtually impossible.

Still, though. That's some kid.

Paul Tatara

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