Wall of Paul

So we haven’t even endured the conventions yet…

“MR. CHAIRMAN! THE GREAT STATE OF IDAHO! HOME OF POTATOES! WE ALSO HAVE POTATOES! DID WE MENTION POTATOES?! CASTS ITS VOTE! IN ITS POTATO-CENTRIC WAY!”…

…and the real fun has already begun.

In recent days, there have been lots of rumors passing through the series of tubes known as “the Internets” concerning the clandestine vileness of one Barack Obama, who, in case you haven’t been keeping up, is the presumptive Democratic nominee for the office of President of the United States.

It turns out that Obama may possibly-maybe be a secret radical Muslim who communicates with his wife via a secret terrorist fist-bump. He also refuses to place his hand over his heart while he supposedly pledges allegiance to the mightiest country in the world. And he might be in cahoots with Louis Farrakhan, even though he doesn’t wear a bowtie. And his wife might call Caucasians “whitey,” even though nobody’s done that since 1974. And, just for the hell of it, it's been reported that he refuses to floss after eating corn on the cob. And notice that it’s never white corn on the cob.

What are them Democrats thinkin’?! If any of that’s true— wheeeee doggie! Wouldn’t he make a bad President?! And I ain't heard nobody prove it's not true!

The problem with this particular strain of horse shit - and, needless to say, there are countless strains of the substance flowing through the innumerable Main Streets of this always-righteous land of God - is that you have to be a complete idiot to believe any of it, AND LOTS OF AMERICANS ARE IDIOTS.

That’s the Great Unspoken, the pivotal piece of information that you’ll never hear on “Meet the Press,” let alone Fox News. The new wildcard factor in American politics is that we now have a country crawling with raised-in-captivity morons who will believe literally anything you say, if you say it often enough and it conforms to their personal fears and whimsical dullard obsessions.

If anybody were to actually utter such an observation on TV, though, they’d be accused of being “elitist,” because, you know, elitist means “bad”. And so does “liberal,” because Liberals want Boy Scouts to have sex with grown men! And they want us to talk to other countries before we can bomb them, even though they’re gonna bomb us if we don’t bomb them! So we gotta bomb ‘em!

It’s endless. Absolutely fucking endless. And people like this aren’t going to wise up before November, unless they get hit by a bolt of lightning that causes them to suddenly remember what fractions are.

Watch, by the way, how John McCain - who recently bemoaned the fact that America has yet to develop a system “to deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies’” - plays it when new-and-improved Obama rumors start to spread.

In a nutshell, McCain will let it go on for several days, giving Fox lots of time to make it all seem “real” because, hell, they’re reporting on it. Then he'll announce that he feels awful bad about the whole thing and wishes people would shut up. Shortly thereafter, he’ll point out, yet again, that he’s better qualified to handle Iraq because he got shot down over Vietnam and was tortured for 5 ½ years…which lead, of course, to his signing off on a carefully-worded bill that enabled the current administration to torture whoever they want.

The minute you think Obama looks like a shoo-in, remember that millions of people voted for Bush twice, and that there was once a tree in Obama’s back yard that cast a shadow of Jesus on his house when the moon shone through it. And he cut the tree down!

I can’t wait to see what Fox does with that one.

Paul Tatara